Thursday, February 18, 2016

Ted Cruz proposes ban on hockey

Seeking to deflect the controversy over his Canadian birth, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz today proposed a partial ban on hockey.

"I have no sympathy for Canadian sports," the Texas senator said. "I believe Americans are exceptional and we should only watch our native sports, not foreign imports that are played with a hard rubber cylinder instead of a round American ball, eh?"

Under the Cruz plan, no federal support could be provided for community hockey rinks or for the men's and women's Olympic hockey teams.

In addition, 19 of the 23 National Hockey League teams based in the United States would be forced to disband. Only the four U.S.-based members of the NHL's famous Original Six--the Boston Bruins, Chicago Blackhawks, Detroit Red Wings and New York Rangers--would be allowed to continue.

"I am a strong supporter of the theory of originalism propounded by the late Justice Antonin Scalia," Cruz said in explaining the exemption. "Unlike me, Donald Trump will nominate liberal Supreme Court justices who won't favor the original meaning and may even enjoy soccer."

Cruz was born in Canada but claims that because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is eligible to become president under the Constitution, which specifies only "natural-born citizens" can qualify. Republican front-runner Trump disagrees and has threatened to sue Cruz so the issue can be decided, or to fight a duel with hairpieces as the weapon.

Besides Cruz, several other presidential candidates have made sports-related proposals.

Trump has decried the three-game suspension of Cincinnati's Vontaze Burfict for a vicious helmet-to-helmet hit on Pittsburgh's Antonio Brown and called for a return to the traditional NFL culture of total violence, even allowing players to return to games if they can't remember their names. He calls his plan "Make Football Great Again,"

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has proposed a ban on baseball interleague play, possibly because she doesn't want to have to face embarrassing questions about which team she actually roots for when the Chicago Cubs play the New York Yankees.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders refuses to watch any game involving a team owned by "the billionaire class," which means he can only view intrasquad scrimmages of the community-owned Green Bay Packers "and possibly the New York Mets, since the Wilpon family lost a lot of money to that greedy crook Bernie Madoff, who, I might add, I was suspicious of since 1991."

Florida Senator Marco Rubio frequently refers to his immigrant father, who fled from Cuba to the United States "because those are the only two countries in the hemisphere that like baseball better than soccer."

Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush has also made a detailed sports proposal, but no one seems to remember what it is.

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